It's Been a Month Already?!?!

Well I haven't been in much of a writing mood lately. I have not been getting enough sleep. This month has flown by. I finished my psychology and history classes at the end of last month. I got B's in both classes. Yay me!!! I just finished my english class last week. I got an A in that class, again, Yay me!!! And I thought english was going to be my worst class. I still have my math class left. It ends August 25th, and my new classes begin August 28th. Doesn't give a girl much time to regroup.
I still plan on spending my Tuesdays and Thursdays with the Mari-Jane and family. I wouldn't give up the time I spend with them for the world. I think I am most happy when I am around them. But there are times that are my saddest. Like when I look at Tristan and Alexa, they have grown so much in the last 8 months. Why isn't Kierra here to see them grow?
I don't feel like Brenda anymore, a piece of me has been taken, never to be returned. I don't know if it's from a lack of sleep or if I am just loosing my mind, but I cry so easily these days. I can't even turn on the radio without hearing a song that reminds me of Ki, I just start balling.
Well on a better and much cuter note. Thursday night I was watching the twins and Hunter for few hours. I put the twins to bed at about 9. At 9:45, Alexa starts crying. So I go in there to check on her, and she won't even look at me. I sit on the floor and ask Alexa if she wants a hug, still no response. Tristan then taps me on my shoulder, so I turn around and ask him if he would like a hug. He shakes his head yes. I give him a hug and kiss him on the cheek, he then kisses me on my cheek! I was shocked, at the time I thought I was just one of the lucky few. But turns out, I was the first person to get a kiss from Tristan!!!
Also my mom agreed to let me have Max. I am excited to bring him home. Hunter told me Thursday that he is glad that Max is going to my house because that meant he could see Max still whenever he wanted.

You May Not Know

Many of you may not know this, but last year I tried out for the Jacksonville Jaguars to sing the National Anthem at the October 12th game. I made it to the Top 3, but lost out in the end. Which I wasn't terribly upset about, I was just proud of myself for getting so far in the competition. For some reason that weekend keeps popping into my head. I remember telling Kierra and how excited she was for me. She was always so supportive and happy for others.

Finally, Some Emotion!

Today my mom bought me this figurine. She told me it reminded her of me and Kierra. One of the girls has a purple sash and the other has a pink sash. It plays 'Wind Beneeth My Wings". Which when mom heard that she had to walk away because it was to emotional for her! I love these little angels, it's so perfect.

Ollie Koala's

Tristan and I

Ollie Koala's

Alexa and I

The Site

Tuesday I went to the accident site where Kierra was taken from us all. I have wanted to bring her new flowers for a very long time. The cross is still there, yet the flowers color has faded. I walked up to the very site. It was so emotional being there. Seeing the new guardrails that were put in, the Drive Carefully sign with her name on it. It was all to much. A few flowers had fallen to the ground, I picked them up and put them back in the bouquets. Then I sat there for a little while, talking to Kierra. It was almost therapeutic to be able to talk to something that represents the loss of her. I talked to Kierra about what's been going on in my life, school, visiting the twins as much as possible, and just everyday stuff that I would normally have told her if she was still here. As I was getting up to leave, the strangest thing happened. A dragonfly and butterfly showed up and flew around me all the way back to my car. It almost felt as if Kierra was there and heard everything I had said to her, it was comforting.

No Title

How can you not see the pain in my eyes when I speak about her? Do you not see how much her death has affected me? I should be able to tell you anything, yet I am afraid. Afraid of how you will respond to my emotions and thoughts. Afraid that you will judge me because you will never truly understand what I am going through until it happens to you. I have thoughts of joining her. I am too afraid to tell you something like that. I will get the same response as I get to everything.
Some people are able to move on faster than others. Or are they just better at hiding it? Why am I so afraid to move on and make new friends? I think I may be scared to be so open with a person to only have them taken away forever. So, instead I don't open up at all. I don't want this to happen again, I don't know if I could handle it. I too, am not the person I once was. Something was taken from me, never to be returned.
I understand that some people are tired of reading my depressing blogs. If you don't like it, don't read it. This is my only outlet for these thoughts crowding my head.