Ollie Koala's

Tristan and I

Ollie Koala's

Alexa and I

The Site

Tuesday I went to the accident site where Kierra was taken from us all. I have wanted to bring her new flowers for a very long time. The cross is still there, yet the flowers color has faded. I walked up to the very site. It was so emotional being there. Seeing the new guardrails that were put in, the Drive Carefully sign with her name on it. It was all to much. A few flowers had fallen to the ground, I picked them up and put them back in the bouquets. Then I sat there for a little while, talking to Kierra. It was almost therapeutic to be able to talk to something that represents the loss of her. I talked to Kierra about what's been going on in my life, school, visiting the twins as much as possible, and just everyday stuff that I would normally have told her if she was still here. As I was getting up to leave, the strangest thing happened. A dragonfly and butterfly showed up and flew around me all the way back to my car. It almost felt as if Kierra was there and heard everything I had said to her, it was comforting.

No Title

How can you not see the pain in my eyes when I speak about her? Do you not see how much her death has affected me? I should be able to tell you anything, yet I am afraid. Afraid of how you will respond to my emotions and thoughts. Afraid that you will judge me because you will never truly understand what I am going through until it happens to you. I have thoughts of joining her. I am too afraid to tell you something like that. I will get the same response as I get to everything.
Some people are able to move on faster than others. Or are they just better at hiding it? Why am I so afraid to move on and make new friends? I think I may be scared to be so open with a person to only have them taken away forever. So, instead I don't open up at all. I don't want this to happen again, I don't know if I could handle it. I too, am not the person I once was. Something was taken from me, never to be returned.
I understand that some people are tired of reading my depressing blogs. If you don't like it, don't read it. This is my only outlet for these thoughts crowding my head.

Until I Get Over Losing You

Woke up today thinking of you
Another night that I made my way through
So many dreams still left in my mind
But they can never come true
I press rewind and remember when
I close my eyes and I’m with you again
In the end I can still feel the pain ­
Every time I hear your name

The sun won’t shine since you were taken away
Seems like the rain’s falling every day
There’s just one heart, where there once was two
But that’s the way it’s gotta be, until I get over losing you…

Walked through the park, in the evening air
I heard a voice and I thought you were there
I run away but I just can’t escape
Memories of you everywhere
They say that time will dry the tears
But true friendship burns for a thousand years
Give my tomorrows for one yesterday
Just to know that I could have you here

When will this river of tears stop falling
Where can I run so I won’t feel alone
Can’t walk away when the pain keeps calling
I’ve just gotta take it from here on my own
But it’s so hard to let go

The sun won’t shine since you were taken away
Seems like the rain’s falling every day
There’s just one heart, where there once was two
But that’s the way it’s gotta be, until I get over losing you…



This is another song that really spoke to me. I have changed and added some words of my own to make it even more personal. Until I Get Over You, by Christina Milian

Strange and Still So Fresh

As I look at pictures of Kierra, like this one, I always make myself think that she is still here. I think to myself, I need to call her and see whats up and why I haven't seen her lately. Then it hits me like a rock all over again, like the first time I heard the news, she's gone. I miss her calls. I can still hear her voicemails in my mind. " Hey there hot stuff, when you get a hot minute, call me ok sweetie!" Just a sample of her regular messages.
This week I seem so emotionally charged. Everything makes me want to cry. I can't even watch a soap comercial with out tearing up. I am an emotional wreck. I don't know if its the thought that her birthday is coming up, she would have been 25. Would have been, even that simple sentence shakes me to my very core. I am still waiting for her to call me and ask me what we are doing for her birthday. " It's my birthday, you know we HAVE to go out! " I have to keep telling myself, Brenda, she is gone and that call is not coming. I don't want to believe it. Life without my best friend is a journey everyday. That seems to get harder every day. Imagine going through your life without that one person that you tell everything to, life without the one person who is there for you no matter what. Never judges you, always loves you just for being you.

Please Remember

Time, sometimes the time just slips away
And your left with yesterday
Left with the memories
I, I’ll always think of you and smile
And be happy for the time
I had you with me
Though we go our seperate ways
I won’t forget so don’t forget
The memories we made

Please remember, please remember
I was there for you
And you were there for me
Please remember, our time together
The time was yours and mine
While we were wild and free
Please remember, please remember me

Goodbye, there’s just no sadder word to say
And it’s sad to walk away
With just the memories
Who’s to know what might have been
We’ll leave behind a life and time
We’ll never know again

Please remember, please remember
I was there for you
And you were there for me
And remember, please remember me

Please remember, please remember
I was there for you
And you were there for me
Please remember, our time together
The time was yours and mine
While we were wild and free
Then remember, please remember me

And how we laugh and how we smile
And how this world was yours and mine
And how a dream was out of reach
I stood by you, you stood by me
We took each day and made it shine
We wrote our names across the sky
We ride so fast, we ride so free
I had you and you had me

Please remember, please remember



I don't know about other people, but music means so much to me. I like songs that have meaning, something to say. What's funny is that before Kierra's death I hated country music. Couldn't stand it. But it seems that all of my favorite songs recently have been counrty songs. They seem to have more meaning and depth then most of the main stream pop music. the song above is by LeAnn Rimes. It is my absolute favorite song right now. It reminds me of all the memories I shared with Kierra. I put the words that mean the most to me in bold. I try to remember them all, but as time goes by the memories seem to fade. Then out of nowhere they are back, as if they have floated to the surface. I want to remember everything about her, so when the twins ask, I'll have something to say.